Letters from Lana: Meditating on Goodbye
From our May newsletter...
Hi, Kurlies. You are such a blessing in my life, and I want to thank you for making these newsletters part of your life. Thank you for coming along on this journey with me and thank you for sharing your stories with me as well. Today, it’s on my heart to talk about romantic love and infatuation. So often we strive for romantic love to distract ourselves from our lack of self-love. And Kurlies...
Yours truly has been tested. TES-TED. Sweet Jesus.
I remember when I first made this mistake. I just wanted to experience romantic love for the first time, period. So I went with the flow and chose a partner. After we broke up, I didn't quite heal from that relationship because the process was too painful. My inner voice told me to take a break from dating - to use this opportunity to learn how to truly love myself. But I didn't listen. I hopped my fast tail on Okcupid and entered my second romantic relationship. If you’ve been reading these newsletters, you know I’ve been healing from that break up too.
But this time has been different because I’ve committed to this assignment. I'm 100% focused on healing and self-care. I was done with romantic love for the time being, or so I thought.
It's funny how when you start to make progress, the universe throws out a test. I can hear it teasing me now, asking, "Are you really done, girl? Really???" You see, romantic love recently chased after me with a well-placed kiss on the neck. A kiss I didn't ask for, but one that I secretly relished.
And suddenly I remembered.
I remembered how good it felt to be wanted by another. I remembered the highs of the honeymoon phase. Yes, I had been here before, and it tasted delicious. How easy it would be to slip back into old comfortable patterns. Like a worn pair of shoes you need to stop wearing, but you refuse to give up because they’ve molded to your feet. My neck is my weak spot, and that’s where temptation landed. Physically, he was just what I loved, but spiritually not what I needed.
It felt like an open book test.
He told me who he was. I listened. But did I hear? Why am I still thinking about this dude?! Help me! I’m trapped in the cycle of infatuation! I know that frappuccino isn’t good for me, but can I get a sip? Just maybe, a small sip?
Putting Down the Pipe
Have you ever felt trapped in a cycle of infatuation? Sometimes it’s with that attractive man or woman down the street. Sometimes it’s with food. Sometimes it’s with shoes or clothes. I’ve come to learn that the cycle is a sign that you're reaching for love in the wrong places. Instead of reaching inward for love, you’re reaching outward. What’s so wrong with that, you might ask? External love is like a mirage in a desert. You stumble to it, thirsty as hell, only to have it vanish before your eyes.
So how do you break free from this curse? I’ve found the answer in two concepts: meditating on goodbye and remembering your value.
I’m not going to pretend to be holier than thou; I’ve been working through this all month. You see I haven’t given in. But in my mind, I’ve spent 100 years with this guy, playing out the good, the bad, and the nasty.
But through reflection, I’ve come to discover that my infatuation is not about the other person, it’s about my desire to be loved by another. It's about ditching my new life for my old broken-in one. It's about picking up the pipe, getting high out of my mind, and delaying the uncomfortable healing process that helps cultivate self-love.
Kurlies, God has brought me too far to pick up this multi-use metaphorical pipe. So today, I made a choice. It’s time to break-up with this idea in my head. It’s time to meditate on goodbye.
Goodbye Meditations and Rubies
How do you meditate on goodbye? For me, I sat on my bed, crossed my legs, closed my eyes, and said goodbye to this person repeatedly. In this moment I was making a choice: a choice to love and focus on me. And then I felt drawn to those scripture affirmations I told you about in February, and I started reading them over myself. Especially those first few lines of Proverbs 31:10, in which I inserted my name: “A wife like Lana of noble character who can find. She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.”
I am worth far more than RUBIES?! Ladies, I was about to sell myself for some neck kisses and being carried in his arms down the street into a diner. IN HIS ARMS. TO A DINER. Although I really did enjoy the brute strength of it all, and the diner is one of my favorite spots, I’m going to hold out for the rubies plus. I'm worth it.
Then it says my husband has full confidence in me AND lacks nothing of value. NOTHING OF VALUE?!?! Yeah, I’ll wait. But then it says I have to bring him good, not harm, all the days of my life. And I’m pretty sure, at least for me, that means not picking up any more baggage along the way.
When you read this verse, you can think of the husband role as a relationship with a human partner, or you can think of it as a relationship with God. Either way, GIRL, I AM WORTH FAR MORE THAN RUBIES, AND YOU ARE TOO. If you’re in a season of healing, don’t be like Esau and sell your inheritance for a quick hit of sumn’ sumn’. Bring your attention inward and focus on experiences that bring you true joy.
My Birthday Wish
I’m turning 30 on May 12, Kurlies. And before today, I had these fantasies about putting on my Freakum Dress like Beyonce taught me, hitting the town, drinking a ton of margaritas, all while secretly hoping to run into Mr. Neck Kisses Strong Man. What would happen? Where would the night take us? Cue a million fantasies.
But after my goodbye meditation and a rediscovery of my inner worth, my focus has shifted. I’m still going to put on my sexy dress, yes. And I’m still going to snap my Kurly Klips in right. I may also drink one too many margaritas, mkaay… But the focus will be on doing these things in environments I love. A real joie de vivre independent of external validation.
I have no idea why I’m putting all this stuff out here. But I hope it helps or at least entertains in some capacity. If you're going through a period of growth, I wish you much success. Remember to take God's hand. He'll walk you through the wilderness... even as you stare at all the cuties along the way ;)
Your sister in beauty,
PS I hate that I even have to say this, but when talking about spirituality, I feel like I have to. Me/this brand/this business loves everybody as they are. You deserve the greatest love, and that only comes from within.
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